Kindred Spirits
by YAXON
Summary: Itachi and Izuna commiserate in the afterlife. It does not go well for Izuna... Will possibly be a two-shot. Crackfic.


Itachi and Izuna sat together in the afterlife, amicably talking about their life stories. When you're dead, there's not much for you to do, after all. Except talk. Or gang up on people that wronged or just annoyed you in life. Y'know, the usual people that deserved a pounding.

The parallels were striking. Really. An outsider could look at their stories and see virtually no differences whatsoever. It somewhat irked Izuna that Itachi's life story was something akin to a carbon copy of his. Y'know, just with more overall angst because of the slaughtering of the Uchiha Clan. … Yeah, Izuna was still coming to grips with that. And _still_ Itachi turned out somewhat better, what with the two eyes in his sockets and all.

… Yes. Let's start at the beginning, to help you to understand.

Itachi first entered the Pure World after his fight to the death with his Foolish Little Brother™. It was an overwhelmingly pathetic and one-sided fight, in Itachi's opinion. After all, despite all that training under the Certified Pedophile that was Orochimaru, his Foolish Little Brother™ was still on the verge of losing to him, even in his pathetic sickened state.

Itachi had pushed Sasuke to the very edge. All for the sake of finally removing that grotesque pimple once and for all, because really, no sane teenager – or insane in this case – should be stuck with a blemish that could take over his body at any moment. Sealing the Certified Pedophile in the Totsuka Blade was merciful by Itachi's standards, given the millions of other creative punishments that Itachi could have inflicted upon him.

Anyways, after effectively removing the pimple and trolling his Foolish Little Brother™ one more time with an epic bloody forehead poke, Itachi passed onto the Pure World confident that Sasuke would return to the Hidden Leaf now that he had avenged the Uchiha Clan. Should any other pedophiles (*cough* *cough* Madara *cough*) go anywhere near his Foolish Little Brother™, Itachi had prepared a failsafe to ward off such individuals.

Because really, Sasuke was messed up enough in the head already thanks to the Certified Pedophile, and he didn't need any more bad influences.

But we're digressing now. Itachi left the mortal coil with no regrets whatsoever. He had very little to do when he first arrived in the Pure World; helping to off your entire Clan will do that to you. Nobody wanted to find out if Itachi could do the same here, because no one was in a mood to find out if there was an after-afterlife.

Oh what tangled webs we weave.

It should be noted that Shisui attempted to reach out to Itachi, but the entirety of his clan kept him back for the same paranoid reasons they weren't reaching out to the boy – man – themselves.

That left Itachi with very few options. Itachi had envisioned a blissful afterlife with virtually nothing to do, because when you lead a life like Itachi's, you learn to appreciate solitude and silence. You literally have no obligations when you're in solitude; you can do whatever the hell you want.

And yet Itachi grew bored of simply meditating after the first few hours. Itachi never envisioned boredom being an attainable thing in the afterlife. All he assumed was that there would be sweet release from all obligations.

Well, now he had it, and he was _bored_. So bored. Itachi wandered the Pure World for a while in search of anyone to talk to, to relieve this boredom of his, but it was hard, you see. The Uchiha were all holed up in some makeshift impenetrable fortress for the sake of keeping him (and Senju, and… basically everyone else) out and keeping all the 'pure' Uchiha within.

Because a perfect Uchiha utopia was something craved for in basically every generation of Uchiha. Don't ask.

Itachi knew a precious few outside of the Uchiha Clan, but they were all alive for the most part. There was one exception with Lady Kushina – Lord Fourth, like the previous three Hokage, was holed up in the belly of the Shinigami, so, y'know, that kept him from associating with others in the Spirit World. Itachi imagined it must have been mind-numbingly boring in there.

… Or perhaps not. After all, there were four Hokage, the Certified Pedophile's arms, and a half of the Nine-Tails in that belly. And wasn't that just something weird to imagine?

Itachi contemplated reaching out to Sasori, Deidara, or Kakuzu, but ultimately decided against it; he never felt particularly close to any of them, and they would more than likely annoy him than engage him in stimulating conversation.

But you're wondering why Itachi didn't reach out to Kushina. Well… Put simply, that woman scared the shit out of him. There was a way to check in on the mortal realm from the Pure World, and she was always hogging it because she wanted to keep an eye on her Precious Baby Boy™. She had a growing list of people she wanted to… er… 'talk to' when they eventually entered the Pure World, and Itachi did not want to be on that list remotely.

Nothing good lay down that path. Case in point: Jiraiya. The Toad Sannin had entered the Pure World shortly before Itachi had, but he had mysteriously disappeared sometime after that.

Itachi had no desire to solve that particular mystery.

At any rate, Itachi wandered the Pure World. Eventually he came across Izuna – poor, eyeless Izuna. Apparently he been cast out of the Perfect Uchiha Utopia because his Mangekyo had remained in Madara's eye sockets, and the man was being regarded as a god amongst the Uchiha, even though he had technically lost to Hashirama and deceptively lived far longer than most history accounts indicated.

Itachi wasn't exactly sure why he decided to open up to Izuna, but he did. He told Izuna aaall about himself; the night of the Nine-ails' attack, the increasing suspicion toward the Uchiha Clan, the Clan's plans for a Coup d'état, him ultimately killing off the Clan to keep the village at peace yet sparing his Foolish Little Brother™ at the same time, manipulating Sasuke toward the path of revenge, going nuke-nin so that Sasuke could one day avenge the Clan and become a Hero of the Leaf, and ultimately putting an end to that wretched Certified Pedophile.

At least as far as he knew. Which is unfortunate, because the Certified Pedophile continued to live on in subjects that bore the Curse Mark… which boiled down to only Anko now, but Itachi did not know of this. If he did, he would have removed Anko's pimple looong ago.

Izuna was kinda at a loss after Itachi regaled him with these events. But then he returned the favor and told Itachi aaall about _his_ life story. The Warring Clan States, how he warned Madara to not trust the Senju, how he ultimately died at the hands of that bastard Tobirama, and how he bestowed his eyes to Madara on his deathbed.

In hindsight, that last one was the stupidest one of all.

"So even after all you went through… You still have your eyes?" Izuna deadpanned at Itachi, who had confirmed he was still in possession of both of his eyes. "Fate is cruel…"

Itachi cocked his head to the side as he considered Izuna's question.

"Well, yes. When you die, you come to the afterlife and appear as you did on your deathbed. Any posthumous changes will not affect you here. You're one of the Uchiha's greatest ancestors; how have you not heard of this story that's been passed down from Uchiha to Uchiha?"

… Never mind the fact that Madara turned up in the Pure World with Izuna's eyes _after_ transplanting them in Nagato and dying with only a regular Sharingan. Itachi and Izuna were not privileged with this information, however, being regarded as outcasts by the Clan.

"History sucks balls, I never paid attention to those stories, sue me," Izuna grumbled. He then froze instinctively as he registered Itachi's explanation. You appear in the Pure World as you did on your deathbed. You appear… in the Pure World… as you did… on your deathbed… "What."

All he had to do was wait a little longer and have his brother take his Mangekyo posthumously, and he would've turned up in the afterlife with his precious, precious eyes? _That's_ all it took? He was blind in the Pure World because he had been a tad impatient and overly generous?

"Are you alright?" Itachi carefully asked as Izuna started rocking back and forth and rambling incoherently under his breath.

"Oh… I'm _fine_ …" Izuna eventually said, his voice unusually high-pitched. He giggled in an unsettling manner. "I just… this all could have been avoided _if I'd waited and died_. I have the insatiable urge to cut myself, or jump off of something tall, but that wouldn't kill me here… No. I'm already dead, and _I don't have my eyes because of my generosity_!"

Itachi backed away at that uncharacteristically high-pitched shriek, and decided to leave Izuna alone for a while. Apparently, Izuna's blindness was a sensitive topic… very sensitive.

Yes, it would be best to leave him be for now. Itachi nodded sagely to himself and resumed wandering the Pure World. Mind-numbingly boring solitude was better than an inconsolable, hysteric Izuna Uchiha. But then, Itachi mused, he'd be pretty hysterical, too, if he'd bestowed his eyes upon Sasuke before passing on and coming here with eyeless sockets.

At least Sasuke would turn out better than Madara, Itachi consoled himself with this fact. Oh, what tangled webs we weave…

 **Author's Note:**

 **Didn't turn out as funny as I'd hoped, but here's a little something. I might do up a second part for when Itachi returns to the Pure World after being an Edo Tensei Zombie for a bit; I dunno why, but picking on Izuna is pretty easy and damn hilarious. Poor, poor Izuna. XD**


End file.
